When I was a freshman in high school, I made a series of battle plans along with my older brother and his friends that detailed how we’d take out our entire school once we obtained guns and bombs.

This happened while huddled over my dining room table, and it was funny. We drew blueprints. We made maps. We organized lists of ammunition and inventory and all the different things we’d need to make our military raiding of our own school a success. We figured we’d all have cyanide pills to take ourselves out before we got arrested. We knew we had to take over the nurse’s office first – it’s where all the medical supplies were and it also had no windows, which made it a perfect place for our final showdown when we were inevitably backed in by police as we burned out in a blaze of glory in our bold last stand.

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Sketchy Advice: A new segment from UCB Comedy. Established sketch writers from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre offer sketch students advice on being creative, the writing process, and adding to a writer’s room.

This week’s featured writer is Glenn Boozan, a writer for UCB’s Maude team


Bear with me here as I’m going to get a little cheesy and write poorly.

It’s been no secret if you know me that I’ve been travelling more than normal lately and extra travel is something that I’m going to have to work around this year. I’m currently in the middle of a 9 out of 11 straight days…


(Click here to read this letter on

On New Years Eve I made what I thought was a harmless joke

Here is my response:

Well hello America!

It’s been a busy few days but rest assured, I have received all of your messages and have been busy…

Brilliant response. The kind of people who get offended on behalf of other people are the worst kinds of people. 

For many children of the late 90s and early 2000s, CS Davis is a household name. Davis wrote several hundred influential children’s books that helped shape children during their developing years. His popularity seemed to know no limits until a shocking turn of events flipped his life upside down.

Davis was a talented writer from a young age. His earliest work, Jerry and the Tooth Fairy was written when he was eight years old. Inspired by true events, this book would go on to be a best seller at a Ruth Oak Elementary School’s annual community yard sale, and would serve as his inspiration to continue writing.

As he got older, Davis wrote more books based on personal life events. He had many flops including Hank and the Bad Birthday Gift, Grandma Smells Like Old Paper, and Where Did My Puppy Go?, but it wasn’t until his formative years and the book Charlie’s Hair Down There that he began getting national recognition for his works.

Davis’s teenage years were a wealth of inspiration for many of his greatest works. Charlie Loves Sandy tells the story of an unrequited love between a turtle and the object of his affection, Sandy the Sand Crab. His book Charlie is Better Off Without Her teaches young readers to keep their chins up regardless of life’s obstacles. Charlie Can’t Live Without Sandy continues the series, teaching kids that it’s okay to feel sadness. The series concludes with Charlie and the Volcano, a story in which Charlie marches headlong into an active volcano, only to be saved at the last minute by his best friend Craig.

The Charlie books are still regarded as some of his best, and they paved the way for books written in his later teen years. Sleepover at Craig’s details a playful sleepover between 2 young rabbits, Gary and Craig, bound to each other by friendship. In A Night Inside Craig, Gary finds himself living inside of his best friend and goes on a journey of self-discovery as the other rabbit. After the final book of the series, Sandy and Craig and the Rabbit Hunter, Davis would take a year off when two of his schoolmates go missing and are never found. His most popular work was written in his early twenties. Horton’s Huge Mistake tells the story of Horton, a lovable monkey who accidentally drops his 2 favorite bananas down a well. Some would say that this is where Davis peaked. After Horton, much of his work became dark, gaining negative attention nationwide from children’s book associations claiming that they weren’t fit for children.

Unrelenting, Davis’s passion for writing carried on. In Frank and the Funny Mushrooms, Frank the pig eats a delightful treat that sends him on a magical journey of self-discovery. In Frank and the Monsters, Frank has to hide from a group of angry faeries after he accidentally steals a backpack full of magical faerie dust. Eventually Frank wins in the end when he traps the angry faeries in a well. It was around this time in his life when CS Davis overdosed on cocaine.

He was in critical condition for several months before being released from the hospital. All that he had built - a lifetime of fame, fortune and success - came crashing down around him. This was a major turning point for Davis, who checked himself into rehab and spent the next six months getting clean.

Davis has since said that he plans on retiring from writing. He says the glitz and the glamor is too easy to get caught up in, but that you can expect to see one more book out of him. “You lose sight of the important things”, he said in an exclusive interview. “That life ain’t for me any more”.
When asked where he planned on going after retiring, he simply smiled and said “To be with my love”.

Look for CS Davis’s new book Charlie and the Magic Well in stores this fall!

Hey gang! I hope you’re all as excited about the upcoming camping trip as I am! I know that some of you are concerned about the recent string of bear attacks but - by taking proper safety precautions - we should have nothing to worry about. 

It’s no secret that bears thrive on murder. They are machines of destruction programmed with a singular directive - to watch the life drain out of the eyes of all living things. Their bleak hearts know not mercy, so it’s especially important to never leave food out when you’re not using it. Bears naturally associate ‘food’ with ‘humans’ (and vice-versa), and their flesh-hunger is insatiable. It’s best if we take precautionary steps to secure our campsites and make sure food is put up and properly secured in bear-proof containers. 

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Phil”, you’re asking, “why don’t we just use that food to set a trap for the wretched beast?”. Well, Rhonda, like I told you in the break room, traps don’t work on bears. Science is unsure if bears are just too intelligent to fall prey to such ruses, or if there is something supernatural about them that causes traps to fail. Experiments are thus far inconclusive. Bears are very sexually aggressive this time of year, so make sure you take extra care to mask your natural odors. Every smell your body produces contains pheromones, which effectively turns you into a walking red light district for bears. They will literally have sex with anything and, from their perspective, you’re asking for it. 

For you ladies planning on having your periods this weekend, I urge you strongly to reconsider. Not only will it negatively affect your ability to participate in team building exercises, but it will also put your life and the lives of your co-workers in jeopardy. There you’ll be, innocently bleeding from your loins when suddenly a twelve-foot-tall tornado of claws and fury maims and mangles you and everything around you. Not cool (looking at you, Sheila). 

Have no fear though, fellow co-workers, because bears can smell that too. In fact, with the exception of melancholy, bears can sense every basic human emotion. Not just fear, but elation, desire, anger, and apathy, too. Keep that in mind as you’re participating in this year’s famous three-legged race. Just as you and your partner round the corner, you nearly run straight into a mountain of matted fur and violent passion lying in wait in your exact trajectory. Wouldn’t it just be easier to be sad? Dale’s going through a pretty rough divorce right now, so let’s all try to channel Dale this weekend. 

That’s it for now, gang. I’m looking forward to seeing you all out there and bonding with you over fun games! See you this weekend!

Your 3-time egg-and-spoon race champ,


Dear Tow Truck Guy,

    You really came through for me, and I appreciate that. I was having a bit of bad luck when we met, so please forgive me for being a bit of a downer. I wanted you to know that I’m normally much more friendly and almost never as grumpy. 

    For instance, my normal response to small talk is reciprocation. You deserved a willing participant in the conversation you tried to initiate. Instead you got the cold dead stare of a man pushed past his limits by a day filled with deeply personal misfortunes.

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